MARRIAGE: A GAME FOR THE STRONG AND INTELLIGENT

By Nnabugwu Chizoba 

 

Someone almost confused me when he described marriage as “a state of terrible torment that those who enter into are compelled to remain, even when it is obvious that nothing good comes out of it”.

Soon after coming in contact with that rendition of an immature Soul (apologies), I came across Nancy Van Pelt’s superb words, expressing her understanding of what marriage means to her. According to her “Marriage is the total commitment of the total person for total way of life”.

The two assertions speak volume, and obviously make a whole lot of sense, considering the impressions they have created. No matter how any one looks at it, it is common knowledge that people will evaluate the statements, standing on different platforms.

It is apparent that the person who made the first assertion and many like him, are those unable to control their emotions, an indication of being already conquered by marriage challenges. The second person and others in his camp are comprised of or made of a thicker stuff. This is proved by Van Pelt, when she asserted “Whether marriage becomes a torment or a blessing depends on those involved”.

I have since observed that two categories of people exist in marriage. They are:

• The strong, and
• The weak.

The strong enjoy marriage and make all there is in it. The weak detest marriage and loose out completely.

The strong are intelligent, not necessarily brilliant. The intelligent are clever, smart, sharp and indeed effectual and timely, in their response to issues. They are able.

As for the brilliant they are quick in their conclusion about things in marriage, too dull to reason, decode, interpret or understand the real meaning of words and the unspoken body languages of their spouse, before they take action. They are not impressive in their outbursts, sparkling in their anger or attractive in their down moments, but are hyper active in rigidity and punishment. Similarly, they are not shining in their no retreat, no surrender style, when making corrections. Indeed, they are mechanical. Yes, they are dull. But, truth be told, they deserve your pity. They are the weak. Unfortunately, many people fall under this category… The weak.  Any surprise it is hard for many people to help or intervene with any meaningful impact during marriage qualms.

The brilliant are weak. They are weak, not because they are not physically strong, far from it. They are weak, not because they cannot rise early to face daily challenges or fix business deals. They are weak because they lack real knowledge.

The brilliant in marriage, are weak because they do not understand that marriage relationship is not as simple as fixing business deals, winning awards and contracts, and brandishing certificates or flexing muscles. They are weak because two people living together as one, is a mystery. A mystery that only the intelligent can brave and the strong can fathom. They are weak because they fear the truth and argue the scripture. They are weak because the battle to conquer self is the greatest and the most violent of all wars. Without conquering self, you can never settle down well in marriage.

Because many people are weak, it is not surprising that many people concur to the reality of the assertion that “Marriage is a state of terrible torment that those who enter into are compelled to remain, even when it is obvious that nothing good comes out of it”. A lot of people are quick to embrace it. They point at every direction to prove and support their claim. Good riddance to bad nonsense.

The brilliant are weak because of their inability to search for new and improved ways of maintaining and spicing marriage. Marriage involves continuous growth and improvement in many facets of human existence. The brilliant does not recognize this basic principle, because they know too much, yet lack the real knowledge.

The strong knows that “even those with Incompatible personalities can learn to work out personal deficiencies” as Nancy Van Pelt puts it.

For the strong “incompatibility” is:

• A call for deeper understanding of self
• A charge for deeper understanding of spouse and
• A challenge to rise up and subdue the situation, not the spouse.

In the case of the weak, they are too lazy to work out their own hang-ups.

Reading in between the lines, dotting the “Is” and crossing the “Ts”, you will agree with me that you are by this piece of work not only called to admit but also encouraged to embrace the truth in the teaching of Nancy Van Pelt that “there are no unhappy marriages but marriage partners who are weak and immature in marital affairs”.

The weak considers marriage a given. They assume quite erroneously that marriage partnership does not require special knowledge and skill. They lack necessary information to cope and work out the complexities of marriage. Confusion arising from misinformation, disinformation, over information and under information force them (the weak) into frustration and despair. This is because their minds are saturated with unclear signals, a condition that gives rise to some funny behaviours in a vain attempt to find meaning and succor to life. More often than not, the weak in a frantic effort to keep one step ahead of emptiness and loneliness, a fall out of thoughtless frame of mind, falters and sinks into nothingness.

Before concluding this work, let me appeal to the weak and the brilliant in marriage, to retrace their steps. If you do, you will be contributing enormously towards ensuring that Families are rescued from being where Marriage Partners and family members retire to, when they are tired of being kind, loving and caring to other people, certainly not members of their fAMILY.

Always remember that the psychological pains, emotional torture and drop in Spiritual life that you, family members and numerous other families, including in-laws and their friends, suffer because of you, cannot, and will never be compensated by that which you stand to gain from your uncompromising position, which most times are ego driven. Truth be told, you are never happy or settled to enjoy anything or be entertained, no matter how hard you try or strive. I know for sure, you prefer living to existing. Act now… enjoy the rest of your life!